Over the past two weeks, I have seen and heard about a number of faux pas that need to be addressed. Because it seems that at the start of every new season, Capitol Hill goes through a growing phase that has staffers, new and old alike, making amateur fashion mistakes.
Number One: If you are wearing a wool coat on your body, you may not wear flip-flops on your feet. Not only does it look ridiculous, but if you’re cold enough to need a wool coat, and it didn’t occur to you to cover up your little toes, you deserve the hypothermia.
Number Two: If you buy a skirt that is slit in the back (most pencil skirts have a back vent), the vent shoul be no longer than six inches. Why? Because if you are climbing up stairs/riding an escalator while wearing a skirt that is slit too high, everyone behind you, is going to get a very good view of London and France.
So before you buy the skirt, check the vent.
Number Two-B: Wear underwear. See number two.
Number Three: Leggings are not pants. Say it with me, “Leggings are not pants.” If you are at all confused about whether or not you are wearing pants, Google the “Am I wearing pants” flowchart. (I would typically link, but I’m typing this on an iPad and the app doesn’t have all the features that I’m used to. Also, there may be more typos than usual–touch screens and trains don’t mix.)
But all kidding aside, I see a concernIng number of women wearing leggings to the office and NOT wearing a top that covers their tush. This is NOT acceptable. If I can see any amount of cheek, you are not dressed professionally. And if I can see camel toe, you should probably seek employment elsewhere as this says frightening things about your judgment and maturity.
And on a related note, of the hundreds of staffers who I’ve seen wearing leggings as pants, I have seen exactly two who had the asses for it. No matter how toned your rear, this look is not workplace appropriate. So either cover your rump, or buy some pants.
Number Four: Hipsters, your high tops with skinny jeans, your neon grafitti tees and your flimsy, plastic bracelets are not workplace appropriate. I saw a girl on Friday with no less than 50 Silly Bandz on her wrist, and she wasn’t an intern. Unless you work for Rep. DeLauro, who we all know is a f***ing hipster (Google it.), try to remember that this is Capitol Hill not Brooklyn.
Number Five: Last, but by no means least, let’s talk about proper high heel maintenance. Particularly, women who don’t replace the plastic caps on the tips of their heels.
I always know when a woman needs to replace her heel caps because of the sound on the marble floors. It’s a hollow, metalic clicking instead of the high-pitched clacking that a properly maintained high heel should make. So if you’re walking down the hall and you hear a sound something akin to using a flint to start a fire, inspect your heels. If you can see any part of the spike, it’s time to spend the five dollars and have the caps replaced.